More recently, the tendency to introversion tried to hide. It was everywhere perceived as a disadvantage that should be smoothed out - or compensated for by something else. Susan Cain's 2012 book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking changed everything. Largely thanks to her, public opinion has ceased to put pressure on people who prefer peace to noisy parties - the mass consciousness has accepted introverts.
adam grant
professor of business at the Wharton School of Business
“When I asked an audience of 200 students in 2011 which one of them was an introvert, only a few people raised their hands. In 2013, more than a third raised their hands. Is this due to the fact that more introverts got into the new stream? No. Anonymous testing showed that both streams were almost the same. On a scale where 1 is complete introversion and 5 is complete extraversion, the coefficients were as follows: 3.34 in 2011 and 3.39 in 2013.”
Communication is one of the primary needs for any person, whatever his character. This is why introverts spend as much time with people as extroverts. To say that extroverts are energized by communicating with people, and introverts - being alone, is not entirely correct. It's not about communication itself, but about how people's nervous system reacts to all stimuli - from coffee to the environment. Introverts perceive stimuli more sharply and get tired faster, while extroverts find pleasure in them. At the same time, an introvert is unlikely to refuse to talk to a person of interest to him, but rather prefers that the conversation take place in a calmer place.
Introversion is not the reason why a person cannot communicate. Moreover, introverts can be more effective in communication than extroverts, who sometimes turn acquaintances and colleagues against themselves with their behavior: the fact that extroverts experience more positive emotions does not mean that people around them also experience more positive emotions. The vast majority are generally classified as ambiverts, occupying a place in the central part of the scale of introversion - extraversion. Their behavior can be contradictory, depending on the situation: ambiverts show signs of either introversion or extraversion. So the main thing is not to which psychological type you relate, and how well you know your advantages and disadvantages, skillfully use them.
In an ideal world, all the people with whom we have to communicate will be good, kind, attentive, smart, generous. They will like our jokes, and we will like theirs. We will live in a wonderful environment where no one is ever upset, no one will swear and slander others.
But, as you have already noticed, we live in an imperfect world. Some people drive us crazy, but we ourselves can drive others crazy. We don't like people who are inconsiderate, blunt, gossip, meddle in our affairs, or just don't get our jokes but expect us to laugh at his jokes.
You have probably wondered if it is possible to be objective towards those who constantly annoy you and with whom you would never want to have dinner together, and how to learn to be kind to every person you meet.
Even in a perfect world, creating a team consisting entirely of people whom you would like to invite to your barbecue is unrealistic. That's why smart people often hang out with people they don't like. They are simply forced to do it. And here's how they do it.
1. They admit they can't please everyone.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that we are good. We believe that everyone we meet likes us, even when we don't. But you will inevitably run into difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are the result of differences in value systems.
The person you don't like is, in principle, a good person. The reason for your rejection is that you have different values, and this difference creates tension. Once you accept that not everyone likes you and not everyone likes you because of the difference in value system, you can eliminate emotions when assessing the situation. This will help you come to an agreement.
2. They tolerate (rather than ignore or fire) those they don't like.
Sure, you can put up with someone's constant criticism, grit your teeth in response to lousy jokes, or ignore someone's intrusive company, but there's nothing worse than constantly suppressing your annoyance. In terms of performance, an excessive desire to win people's sympathy is bigger problem than their lack of this sympathy.
You need people who have different points of view and are not afraid to argue. They are the kind of people who don't let you do stupid things. It's not easy, but they must be endured. Often they are the ones who challenge or provoke us, but they encourage us to new understanding and help us move towards success. Remember that you are not perfect either, but people still tolerate you.
3. They are polite to those they don't like.
Regardless of your feelings towards someone, the person will be guided by your behavior and attitude towards him, and, most likely, will treat you the same way. If you are rude to him, most likely he will drop all decorum and be rude to you in return. Remember, if you are polite, people will be tolerant of you.
The ability to control one's face great importance. You should be able to show that you consider the person a professional and treat them well. This will help you avoid sinking to their level or getting sucked into what they are doing.
4. They hold back their expectations.
People often have unrealistic expectations for others. We can expect that in a given situation others will act exactly as we would act, or say what we could say, that is, we want to hear now. However, this is not realistic. People have innate personal character traits that largely determine their reaction. Expecting others to do the same things you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.
If a person makes you feel the same way every time, adjust your expectations accordingly. In this way, you will be mentally prepared and his behavior will not take you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They are never surprised by the behavior of an unsympathetic person.
5. They analyze themselves, not the opponent.
No matter what you experience, people cannot fit into your shoes. It is important that you manage your feelings when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how annoying this person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you do. We often dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. Also, they don't create a button, they just click on it.
Pinpoint the triggers that could affect your feelings. Then you may be able to anticipate your reaction, soften it, or even change it. Remember, it's easier to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors than it is to force someone to become a different person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
There are some things that annoy you all the time. Maybe it's a colleague who misses deadlines on a regular basis, or a guy who makes stupid jokes. Understand what annoys you and who presses your buttons. This way you will be able to prepare for it.
If you can pause and take control of the adrenaline rush and then tap into the intellectual part of your brain, you will be better able to negotiate and justify your judgments. Taking a deep breath and taking one big step back can help you calm down and protect you from over-arousal, thereby allowing you to get down to business with a clearer mind and an open heart.
7. They voice their needs
If some people constantly hurt you, calmly let them know that their demeanor and communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory phrases, try using the formula instead: “When you ..., then I feel ...”. For example: "When you interrupt me during a meeting, I feel that you do not appreciate my work." Then take a break and wait for a response.
You may find that the other person didn't realize that your presentation wasn't over yet, or that your colleague was so excited about his idea that he threw it out in a fit of excitement.
8. They keep their distance
When all else fails, smart people create distance between themselves and what they don't like. Apologize for yourself and go your own way. If this happens at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the negotiating table. Being distant and with a perspective, you may be able to return to the discussion and interact with the people you like and not worry about the ones you don't.
Of course, everything would be easier if we could say goodbye to people we don't like. Unfortunately, we all know that this does not happen in real life.
How to communicate with people if I do not like to talk?
Will have to learn. If you don't like to talk, then they won't like to talk to you. I myself, by nature, very unsociable, taciturn. But realizing that it hurts me a lot in life, I re-educated myself. Now I communicate very sincerely, benevolently, willingly make contact. There are many around good people, many sympathetic and kind comrades, acquaintances and friends. We must not just think well of people and wish them happiness and good luck in our hearts. You don't just have to be silent. You have to tell these people out loud. After all, people are not psychics to read our thoughts and understand our silence in our good qualities and our kindness and disposition towards them. Our silence causes only wariness, bewilderment, even sometimes, hostility and alienation of others. It seems to us that the way we treat the world is the way it should respond to us. But it's not. As we communicate with the world, so the world responds to us.
Imagine, my situation is exactly the opposite: I like to talk, but I absolutely hate to communicate with people. At the thought that now you need to go to the store, see people, moreover, communicate with them, everything turns over in your soul. And you also have to go to school, greet your neighbors, answer their typical, stereotypical questions. Whenever someone starts asking me a question on the street, I get jittery, and when a passer-by who wants to ask me for directions, time or some advertiser is already behind me, I still have an unpleasant feeling of some kind of heaviness in my soul. , discomfort, nervousness. I always seem to look ridiculous. In general, I try to keep a distance between myself and people, not because people are so bad and I think that the world is corrupted - not at all! I have a very good attitude towards people and really do not like it when they start to scold the world and humanity. But I just do not feel the strength to communicate. I have such a gaping emptiness and weakness in my soul, my nerves are like bare wires - weak and exhausted. Sun because of a too busy schedule, sleepless nights and very long stress and exhausting prolonged depression.
And I solved the problem with a limited circle of contacts. Unfortunately, due to my prolonged severe psycho-emotional state, two friends, whom I considered very close, turned away from me. But I still have a person who, although not my friend, treats me well. He knows my features, my strengths and weaknesses, strengths and weak sides, understands me, and I can be myself with him - when necessary - to be silent, when necessary - to speak. I don't need to be forcefully oarish or forcedly talkative with him. He always understands my condition and sees without words that I have problems. With him, I can be myself.
Perhaps the same solution will work for you. If you do not like to talk, the forced, forced obligation to talk will not make you happy, sooner or later you will start to shun and avoid society in order to be yourself. Finding a best friend is not so easy, but perhaps you already have a person who you can trust and who knows you well and accepts you for who you are.
Society always loves those who are active, cheerful, have a good sense of humor, amuse everyone, communicate a lot. There are people who are extroverts, and there are people who are introverts. For the former, being the soul of the company is not only easy, but even necessary; for the latter, it is sometimes even impossible. These are innate personality types, a person only has to take into account his own characteristics and arrange his life based on them.
You can be a quiet, calm person, and if you don't get sick of people like me, just be in their company, but without talking as much as you might like.
Try to find one person in the company of people and communicate not with everyone at once, but with one person, it will be easier.
Don't want to talk? Not worth it. Your body knows what is best for you. So he saves energy for something really important. Just being present, being surrounded by cheerful, positive people, listening to their conversations, this will be enough to recharge with positive energy and be among people.
And you can talk with someone closer and more understanding.
In your case, your silence can do you good: a silent person who holds himself with dignity and watches everything seems smarter and more restrained than others. Many envy the ability to maintain restraint and silence in any situation, and you possess this ability quite naturally.
Don't change your nature. It is better to learn how to direct e in your favor.
I don't like to talk either. All my life I've had enough of the same topics of conversation. And they are really about the same for all people.
If you do not like to talk because of your introversion, then it will not be difficult for you to be alone for a long time. Limit communication to the bare minimum (with loved ones). Even with employees, you can only talk about work issues.
After all, being known as a silent man is no worse than being known as a talker. And in my opinion, even better. Because talkers are most often not very smart (there are, of course, exceptions). They have one concern - to work with the language, and there is no time left for brain processes.
I will say more, silent people evoke sympathy for many. After all, with them you can go into monologue mode. Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to pretend to listen.
So do not torture yourself and, if possible, limit communication. I assure you that you will not lose anything, and, perhaps, gain more.
For the manifestation of love, (and especially impeccable), words are not needed. :-) After all, we perceive only 30% of verbal information. And the remaining 70% are facial expressions, gestures, touches. In order for a child to understand that he is loved, he does not need to hear it. He already knows this by the way you look at him, how you touch his head, passing by, how you casually hug him. In psychology, this is called stroking.
Every adult also has a child. He hasn't changed, it's just that some adults have played their adult games so much that they forgot about it. But we all still need strokes. And it is not at all necessary to be a brilliant speaker, a joker and the soul of a company in order to build harmonious relationships with people. Do you need disharmonious ones?
It is enough to be an attentive listener, able to sincerely empathize with the interlocutor and provide support in difficult times.
Talking is not always necessary, more often you can just listen, while nodding your head, agreeing, inserting comments and you will become a better conversationalist. Words are not always needed, sometimes it's good to just be with someone
